Desember 20, 2012

Important Self-Conversation

I'm all upset.
For all i don't-know-things, i want to kill everyone i meet this day. Maybe, this is so called PMS. Or whatever related to hormones. This hour, i hate being a female, yet feminism stuffs, yet hormonal stuffs, yet everything sounds wrong.

At least a day in a week, i think we really need me-time to rethink what  i have done in this whole week. But as a social creature, being alone is just assumed as an asocial ones. How substantial the effects of the deeds of us. Our habit, our words, our voices, i think they're planned to be judged. Fuck.

That's why, me-time is important. Maybe this is weird, but at least an hour a day, randomly picking, i do self-conversation. Talk to myself, and cry in my own shoulder. Weirdo? Yes. But since many of people did hurt me, i was growing up as an unbeliever and that cool-silly conversation with my own self is necessary.

Once i met up with my psychologist friend, and i told her what were being my doubts, and she listened to me, until cried because by telling her all of mine, i was forced to remember all of the harsh deeds i have done to myself and it guaranteed me to be that tough. I've tried hard. Harder than what i could expect before. It's a pity of myself.

And my psychologist friend said, talk to our own self is good for our mental health :)

Sometimes, i think that someone somewhere is being talking about me for whatever reasons while i'm all alone think is there anyone do care about me.I called that: psycho narcissism. It sounds like mental disorder thingy but as long as it makes me glad, who cares? No happy, but assumptions are sometimes make me smile, like this :)

Well, it's a way much better of me to write what's on my mind. I love writing, i love self-conversation, i love depend on my own self, and i love my own life. Yeah, being a female is out of the frame (right now).

Desember 09, 2012

She, Him, and The Sacrifices in Between.

One morning, i played Creep by Radiohead without any detention. I just wanted to... listen. An hour later on, i searched the lyric after arriving at the office. Then i mused on one thing: my boyfriend finished over our relationship by giving me that song, by text. He said, "i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo. I don't deserve you"

By that time, i thought he was the meanest creature by said it by text on a cellphone. That time, when i was crying out on the kitchen floor. Yes, it was true, ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR.

1 year and half later, right now, sitting on my office chair and rethink about all of those past stuffs. The key words recorded in my head are broken-up, sorrow, crying, and tears. How dark my life was, i thought.

After listening to that Creep song, i already discovered the new thought. Unexpectedly, my tears burst out. I can hardly hold them to come. Remembrances come out and  lunge my sense. He was not that mean. Below are the lyrics:

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am i doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

Man, what was not meant to be was just the meanest to be? Because your family was broken and you had bad luck unlike others, you thought that yourself was not as good as others, even, me?
I told you repeatedly, i didn't care about the craps around you. Your Mama, your Papa, and the divorce in between.
"I let you go because i love you"
You know, how deep those words bleed my heart? If you had miles of  list of 'why-things', then why i should not have the same stuff of 'no-reason-things-to-love-you'? Because you're creep?

I don't deserve that song. I'm not that special. I'm like you, trapped on our own feelings of unlucky human.
Dear, my heart be crying this present. How you made a distance just to keep me in a good situation, how you saw me as a whole perfect girl that was so special that you thought that yourself was the ugly-duck, how you whispered me words in a poem, how you treated me in that short time of months. Then, my unconscious beliefs of those. I'm feeling bad to accuse you such a bastard, and a heartless man. In other hand, you yourself have been wounded by the deed you done for me. FOR me, the one who loved you so drop dead much? It's unfair, it's unfair.
Why does it take almost two years to realize our silent sacrifices?
One thing, we're sick, we did what was best for each.
You did this for me, i did that to you.
God, there will be crossed line between us, again?

Desember 07, 2012

Woman, The Hero of a Story

Him : Sugar, you alright?
She : Sure i don't need to be saved
Him : You look unhappy.
She : Yea. This is my default face. I should change it. Someday *if i could*
Him : Wanna go out?
She : I wanna stay *stay beside you*
Him : *he's flattering me* long time no see you. Been a whole month.
She : *don't know what to feel* Me, too.
Him : Hey what did you do this month? Any impressing point of time?
She *sighing* I spent my time to go out, lazy walked around district, and out, some times.
Him : What did you see?
She : Many. *including you*
Him : Hmmm... you look like not fascinated the things.
She : I'm drop dead caring to the things i see, i take care of, i love, i want.
Him : Including me?
She : Including you.

*She conjure up the image of two beautiful creatures cuddling in a place, in a time. She knew the one well, The one she knew, was the one sitting beside her, flattering him, nosing her top of her head while caressing her hair. Woman, the hero of a story, she doesn't need to be saved.*

Desember 06, 2012


Him : hi.
Me : hi.
Him : howdy?
Me : as fine as i haven't met you. Why?
Him : Sorry.
Me : For?
Him : my everything. They were hurting you.
Me : They did. They don't.
Him : I can't change the theme?
Me : Time is not a phrase you can change anytime you want.
Him : Do they last forever?
Me : They who?
Him : My faults.
Me : Do not ask me, i can't even answer my own questions.
Him : What questions?
Me : About do i love my self, do i forget the things, do i really live. Relative.
Him : You're cool.
Me : :) then you left me because I was cool :)
Him : I don't deserve you.
Me : I deserve a leaving, a promise, not a proof.
Him : Are they mine?
Me : No, they are ours. Did we really love each other that time?
Him : Don't screw the theme.
Me : Oh. I thought the theme is us. Nothing's plain when it comes to us, ya know.
Him : Yea, nothing's plain when it comes to love, ya know.

*it hurts my heart out. My heart is burst out by the thought he told. I still love him*
Me is really me.

Desember 02, 2012

Silly Repetition, Yes Me.

Hai halo. Udah lama nih nggak nulis disini. Habisnya, beberapa bulan ini curahan perasaan aku udah aku limpahin dalam novel-novel itu. Aku bisa apa sih? Tapi ya, kalo sekarang ini, rasanya aku kaya diobok-obok. Begini ya, biar aku perjelas, ini kaya repetition bodoh yang kaya seorang masokis, aku ulangin sendiri dengan perasaan sadar-sesadar-sadarnya.

Bodoh. Cuma itu yang pengen aku bilang. Aku pengen teriak, pengen nangis tapi nggak ngerti juga harus nangis dan teriak sama siapa.. Baru tadi sore aku ingin banget punya wajah yang lebih oke ketimbang otak yang cemerlang. Daya analisis yang nggak sengaja aku terapin pada hal baru yang aku temui bikin aku pengen muntah membayangkan result yang aku terima. Kenapa? Iya, ada hubungannya sama cowok

Tapi aku punya dua pilihan. Pertama, aku harus ninggalin dia, sekarang atau nanti. Inilah yang aku bilang pengulangan bodoh. Dulu sewaktu SMA aku pernah juga mengalami kejadian seperti ini, memiliki ketertarikan, dan daya tarik menarik yang kuat, hukum aksi reaksi dengan cowok yang berbeda keyakinan sama aku. Ini mengesalkan banget, mengingat sejujurnya aku juga bukan orang yang alim banget. Tapi perkataan Ibu selalu terngiang-ngiang terus di aku. Nggak perlulah ya aku kasih tau apa sabda Ibu.

Kedua, aku bisa saja meneruskan hubungan-tak-tentu arah ini ke jenjang yang lebih tinggi. Iya, mengingat saat ini aku dan dia lagi menjalankan peran Kearra-Panji yang sedikit banyak mencubit-cubit hati. Aku tau, pilihan kedua ini bakal menemui lebih banyak hambatan ketimbang pilihan pertama tadi. Ya, aku kalah oleh perasaanku sendiri.

Dan tentu saja, akhir-akhir ini aku sedang sulit fokus pada satu hal. Logikaku sedang tidak di tempat, mungkin sudah ber-aparate ke suatu tempat entah dimana. Distraksi pikiran, hebat sekali ternyata ya, kreativitas bisa membuat jalannya sendiri, membentuk pola yang mengingatkan aku sama tugas yang lagi aku kerjain. Oke, not a big deal, it is.

Nah, keledai aja nggak ada yang jatuh ke lubang dua kali kan? Kenapa aku malah terperangkap (terperangkap loh, nggak cuma jatuh!) ke lubang yang sama dua kali? Masalah 'itu' dan satu lagi sebenernya, masalah 'percaya' pada apa yang aku yakini sejak awal. Keyakinan yang memuakkan, yang kadang menuntut aku keluar dari zona sadarku sendiri. Perasaan aneh yang datang mengikuti rasa keingintauanku. Semisal saja, ketika aku pertama kali mengenal seseorang, aku selalu merasakan dua hal: 1) pertemuan ini akan berjalan normal ke jalan pertemanan biasa, dan 2) perkenalan ini suatu saat akan menuju ke jalan lain dengan hirarki yang lebih tinggi. Ya, kadang aku terjebak dengan perasaan dan persepsi.

Sudahlah, aku mau nangis dulu ya, tapi ribet nih lagi di kantor. Nanti aja kalo udah sampai kost, mau nangis sambil teriak di bantal biar cuma aku dan diriku saja yang dengar. Dear you, selamat menemukan wanita-lain-yang-lebih-mementingkan-jelita-ketimbang-mempercantik-wawasan-kaya-aku-ini ya. Good luck, mon cherie :).