Desember 09, 2012

She, Him, and The Sacrifices in Between.

One morning, i played Creep by Radiohead without any detention. I just wanted to... listen. An hour later on, i searched the lyric after arriving at the office. Then i mused on one thing: my boyfriend finished over our relationship by giving me that song, by text. He said, "i'm a creep, i'm a weirdo. I don't deserve you"

By that time, i thought he was the meanest creature by said it by text on a cellphone. That time, when i was crying out on the kitchen floor. Yes, it was true, ON THE KITCHEN FLOOR.

1 year and half later, right now, sitting on my office chair and rethink about all of those past stuffs. The key words recorded in my head are broken-up, sorrow, crying, and tears. How dark my life was, i thought.

After listening to that Creep song, i already discovered the new thought. Unexpectedly, my tears burst out. I can hardly hold them to come. Remembrances come out and  lunge my sense. He was not that mean. Below are the lyrics:

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am i doing here?
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running out
She runs runs runs

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here


Man, what was not meant to be was just the meanest to be? Because your family was broken and you had bad luck unlike others, you thought that yourself was not as good as others, even, me?
I told you repeatedly, i didn't care about the craps around you. Your Mama, your Papa, and the divorce in between.
"I let you go because i love you"
You know, how deep those words bleed my heart? If you had miles of  list of 'why-things', then why i should not have the same stuff of 'no-reason-things-to-love-you'? Because you're creep?

I don't deserve that song. I'm not that special. I'm like you, trapped on our own feelings of unlucky human.
Dear, my heart be crying this present. How you made a distance just to keep me in a good situation, how you saw me as a whole perfect girl that was so special that you thought that yourself was the ugly-duck, how you whispered me words in a poem, how you treated me in that short time of months. Then, my unconscious beliefs of those. I'm feeling bad to accuse you such a bastard, and a heartless man. In other hand, you yourself have been wounded by the deed you done for me. FOR me, the one who loved you so drop dead much? It's unfair, it's unfair.
Why does it take almost two years to realize our silent sacrifices?
One thing, we're sick, we did what was best for each.
You did this for me, i did that to you.
God, there will be crossed line between us, again?

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