Juli 28, 2013


I woke up feeling vulnerable this morning. I needed dozens of happiness hormones, yet, i got my period by this morning. I felt like a baby, easy to cry.
So i read some articles on my fav web, psychologytoday, and tried to lift my mood up.
Yet, i was listening to Coldplay's (yes, masochist detected, blame on me), and my mood was even worse.

I had a chat with him. We both were busy finishing our work. He was with his Tempel, i was with Temon. But still, we thought we need to chat up XD
Besides, we (read: me), had a troubled mind last night, and wanted everything to be clear as soon as possible. The way we solved our problem: communication.

I was lying on my bed, then cross-legged in front of my Celine, doing stuffs, then lying down on the floor and got my cough even worse XD

I really  was insecure today. I felt vulnerable. I felt the tendencies around the corner. These late days, i thought. And this morning i told him all that i felt lately. Yeah i knew, it was hard to talk with troubled mind like mine. I was just ... having my mind out of my soul. What was that? I don't know. I felt i was bad, i couldn't do the best, i was not good, i was not smart, i was shallow. Don't let me shed my tears again. 

I think i need to be hugged. 
I feel everything will be okay when someone hugs me. I am searching on psychologytoday about a hug, and it comes to a conclusion that:

Hugging is a physical acknowledgment of the presence of another with the intention of expressing affection. Sometimes hugging is meant to also express reunion after separation and in that case it represents "affection beyond words."

Hugging is beyond the words. Can't agree more. When i feel like i can tell what's on my mind, i do hug him. A simple hug, and he seems like he suddenly understands what's on my mind. And he whispers "everything's gonna be okay". Am i that vulnerable? Yes.

So while hugging ostensibly increases oxytocin and trust by decreasing activation of the brains "fear" center, the "amygdala", I am curious about the effects of hugging when it is less artful or authentic. I suspect that the amygdala will be less content to recline in a proverbial hammock and more likely to stand on guard until some genuine emotion comes through
I often keep the problems inside my own head. I don't want to tell the world. Not because i am so strong that i can solve my problems all by myself. I just ... i'm a non-believer. Pardon my french, but if you have been on my shoes, you'll understand why, you'll understand how hard to be myself.
No, i'm not Scarlett O'Hara or Virginia Woolf, or Nawaal El-Shadawy. I'm not that complicated.

When i feel i have no ability to share my pain, my problems, i just need a hug. Somehow, it feels like i'm not alone while i am hugged. It feels like someone hugging me really want to cure my pain without knowing what's my problems are. Ironic. 

No hug is wasted and useless. Even, the teary hugs. Have i ever experienced that hug? Yes. Being hugged while my eyes can't stop producing tears and my nose can't stop producing ingus (ingus, Masha Allah! XD). He hugged and rubbed my back. I was too tired that time. Working from morning to night, having no significant time to take a rest, and having no proper sleep at late night. Yet, while i was taking a rest, my brain couldn't stop thinking of anything. How hard to be a Virgo, ya :)))

 After all, i wondered, is there anybody out there who doesn't like being hugged?
 Uhuk ... uhuk ... uhuk ...
 I guess, hug is the most intimacy of an interaction. But, telling my secrets, just telling, was the mostest intimacy of all. So, yeah. You know now? May i ask, don't you know me? Don't you know me by now?
I am vulnerable, hard to speak, yet i dislike to hurt others (because hate is a strong word and i rarely use it). 

But he is here, telling me he loves me just the way i am. What if i had split personality Dear? You said i have none but the real Inda Nur Handayani. 
I am relieved, and he shud know, i was trying (hard) to always tell him what's on my mind. No matter how hurt it can be. Because, yeah. You know why :)

Stay here and be my aspirin and xanax, dear you.
Happy Sunday, mortals :)

Juli 25, 2013

On The Night Like This

Do you know the story of a couple of socks? Well, let me tell you the whole story of last night, when the tasks of my job are extremely need to be done in 12 hours after Maghrib time.

Last night, office buddies and i, did overtime in office. Need to do the tasks for this morning, the report, Lapantara of RDTRK Perkotaan Temon, needs to be sent to Wates as soon as possible. So, yeah. Tsk. Haven't got my eyes closed from yesterday after sahur. YES, YESTERDAY AFTER SAHUR. It was about 27 hours.

Last night, the AC was on in its higher degree of celcius. Me was about ... damn, i'm freezed! I wore the two layers of clothes, and jeans. Besides, i covered myself with my medium thick brown coat (read: semi-jacket). I sat down straight far from the air condition.

I was typing on my Celine when he suddenly sat down next to me, and started to lay his head down. In seconds, i didn't give him much attention, just touched his arm and smiled. In minutes, i heard him snored. He was extremely tired after all. I knew that, so i let him sleep for a while. His snoring was a bit louder time by time, me was ... KYAAA XD XD XD

HAHAHA. But then he woke up and moved to a better corner and ... SLEPT AGAIN. And i continued my work.

At 12.30 p.m, i felt so tired. Besides, i had no many things to do but waiting for the revision of my head office. So, i decided to take a rest for a moment. I sat down near him, on a red chair, straight in front of the air condition. I was a bit dizzy. I tried to sleep but it was quite to do in the cold room and still had many things to think. I bend my body to avoid the coldness. I wore his jacket also. So, i covered myself with two layers of jackets. Still, i couldn;t sleep. I just lied my head down and vaguely heard of his snoring. I smiled and thought how cute his face was. His long hair, his chubby cheek, and his half-opened mouth. He looked like a baby :)

I fell asleep for a minutes. I woke him up, just to ask him to keep his head at the distance of the trash bin near his sleeping corner. But then he really woke up. I tighten my body, the room got colder. I saw the clock. It showed me 1.30 a.m. I sat down at that red chair for almost an hour. In my semi-conscious (y'know, it was really cold. Or it was just my body that wasn't so fit), i felt something warm in my naked feet. He covered my naked feet with sajadah. I opened my eyes and i really woke up.
"Cold?" he asked. I showed him my nod.
Then he handed me his shoes.
"It's big, can't suit to my feet," i replied.
"Not the shoes, but the socks. Covered your feet."
I wore his socks.

3.00 am. We went out for sahur. We rode motorcycles and i hitchhiked him. I touched his feet, his hands and ... OMG, they were so cold!
"Your socks..."
"No problem, stay wearing them," he said.
He kept the motorcycle going.

The sock. Who knows, that the socks can touch my heart? After all, i know it's his kind heart. But from a couple of socks? Dear God, thank you for sending him to me.
I really want to sing him a song. A song from Mocca, On The Night Like This.

On the night like this, there's so many things i wanna tell you
On the night like this, there's so many things i wanna show you
Cause when you're around, i feel safe and warm
Cause when you're around, i can fall in love everyday...

In the case like this
There are a thousand good reasons
I want you to stay...

I love you, Dear :)