Juli 16, 2014

The Little Story Of The Past

Hi, long time no see! 
I had lost my willingness to write a new article these lately months (actually, it's almost a half year, :p). But all in sudden, i want to write again. I come back.

There's a hot issue in my head, it's not about copras capres, though it really steals my sanity. I want to write about random things out there.

First, i should thank my Father for being a real hero for me. Someone said, "father is daughter's first love", and i used to believe it. Since i was 4, my mother taught me how to read. Every night before i fall asleep. In sum, i could read at age 5. Since that, my father always bought newspaper every morning. He subscribed it. Initially, i didn't care about the newspaper, all i wanted to read was Bobo Magazines or other same genres of magazines. But when i was in primary school, i started to read one of that newspaper. The newspaper was Jawa Pos. So i had known about Dahlan Iskan years years back.

In fine, i was addicted to reading newspaper. And my father kept subscribing it. It shaped me as a nerd, sok-tahu, and book craver until i was in senior high school. I started to know what my friends didn't know. When i was 14, i felt so hungry. I want to read all the books in the world. But, lived in a small city limited me. There was only one bookstore in Magelang, and the book's price  was so expensive. I didn't have enough money to buy books to relieve my craving. So, i started to borrow books from friends. From friend to another friend, from class to another class. The cycle kept like that from the first grade until the last grade of high-school. Oh yes, and while reading books, i tried to write also. Hahaha... sometimes it feels so good remembering that my text-book, with my handwriting inside it, be read by my friends. And it feels so great that they demand for more. "Nda, yang kemarin lanjutannya gimana? Mau dilanjutin kapan?".

No, i am not kinda smart ass in school. Hahaha i just lived my dreams, my passion.

In senior high school, i started to think about politics also. And my Father was the best partner to talk to. I was really grown by the environment around me. They really shaped me. 

I don't know why i want to write this story down. I want to make sure myself, that once in my life, i had a really dream life. If someone asked me someday, how i could be like who i am today, then the answer could be the sentences above.

My life had crisis also. Last year, was the most stressful time in my life. I want to tell everyone why, but then i decided to keep all of them in my heart and head. It was enough. I want to open the new page of my life.

One day, i want my children to love books like i do. Children who read have more insights in their head. Though my boyfriend will debate it, i will keep that state in my mind. Reading books won't make you smarter (in a short way), but sure it help you absorb whatever from the environment around you. The emotions, the news, people's emotions, the changes, everything. Books will teach you how to live. How to enjoy the sadness. How to enjoy being under pressured. How to be fine with unhappy ending. And how to find a perk of being a wallflower, enjoy of being really you.


Happy reading, kids.
P.S: My nephew starts to crave books, everytime he sees me, he would yell, "Tante, bawain aku buku ndak?"

Januari 20, 2014

Random Things

So well, new year is comiiing!
Yaaiy i should be happy even though i don't know why i should be happy hahaha
But i wanna be pretty, so i should be happy. You know, the analogy between pretty and happy.
Okay forget it, i will directly jump to the main topic.
What is that? Oh nah, nothing, actually. You people can stahp me now (yes, with that british accent).

I know that i have a quirky interest of psychology so that i read randomly about psychology. Yeah it's so random that i can construct them structured in my mind. I am just knowledgeable in a short time, in a blink of an eye, because you know i read that i read this, open that tab and open another tab, and i HAVE a serious disorder attacking my mind, yes, short term memory loss. *please if you want to applause for this shit, you can stay sitting, standing applause isn't needed here*

Last night i was extremely breakdown for my stupidity. Once i have been tested for an IQ. FYI, i don't believe in the scale of IQ of people. I've been tested, and i got the result that my IQ was embarrassing me. Not that low, but i thought that was LOW. It seemed like i have my own standard of intelligence and i was ashamed with the rest.

What was happening on earth now?

People can be smart as they wand and IF they want.
As simple as that. It's all about the trait. How far the traits affects the intelligence? 

Can high IQ guarantee people to be good?
I once read a quote, it said that it is so horrible that around us there's a smartie who has no confidence, but there are a bunch of dumb people who have confidence more than what they need. Horrible. HORRIBLE.
I do agree with Nelson Mandela that said: education is the most powerful weapon  which you can use to change the world.
But it doesn't mean that educated person does also have educated behavior. 
So it can be my excuse. Bahahahak.
An excuse to stay being dumb? Come on, you don't get my point.

Dear friends, education is in everywhere. In every single place we visit. In every single sight we glimpse. So there's no reason for us to stop learning. 
But all in all, i want to warn you, that educated person does also have educated behavior. I warn you. I WARN YOU.

Januari 07, 2014

Keep My Soul Intact

Life is not a joke.
Remember the old proverb, you are a winning sperm that reached an ovum. You are good, at least.

Last night i got my eyes teary all over again. Discriminative does really exist. Not about your tribe,  nor religion, it is about, what we call? I dunno, i just don't understand what others may think about me.

Life is not a joke, what the hell is happening, i still have a willing to live the life by my own way, being my self, truly. It is possible that there's another person dislike you. And you don't have the right to control them. You better control your own mind. Be grateful, and be good of you.

Some say that you were not put on this earth to please everybody. That sentence is not entirely wrong, nor right. The fact is, you can't please others while you're not pleased. Are you happy enough? What's the definition of happiness? What matters is, that you used to be over-thinking. Or, in this case, me, myself. I do over-thinking over things. Or people. That's why, over-thinking kills is really true.
We don't have the right to control others, then why we should think of what they may think about us?

Life is not a joke. But it's funny sometimes.
@Ryudeka said, the first time you grow up is the first time you laugh at yourself. Just thought about it. When was the first time i laughed at myself? At my stupidity?

People grow up, people grow mature.
I tried so hard to be better day by day. To focused only to myself, and my psyche. Manage my internal mind. But life always has two sides. One-sided life of me wasn't enough. Sometimes i fall. Sometimes i wake up. Sometimes when i fall i need a shoulder to cry on, or sometimes i just need a couple of ears to listen to me.

The translation of "think others first" into "think yourself first" is not that easy. I used to think of others first, and forget to think myself, nor what i feel. I ignored myself. The happiness inside. 
Read so many articles about how to be happy, how to be jolly, how to kill the pain. Not a waste of time, but sometimes, everything starts from my own self.

Be good, be good to others. Expect less, do more. Hope zero. Zero? It is like, be good to others, but never expect their replies. @Justsilly once said, feeling good by doing good. Good is not God, by the way. But God must be beyond good. I felt it this morning. This morning, i was so gloomy. I was searching of what i want, and what i should do. I used to live in a peace environment, i used to live in a stable environment. Then suddenly i entered the real world. I shud be tougher than ever. I shud be more mature, and i shud pass through all the storms that may come. While, i shud stay happy to keep my sanity intact.
Ah yes, talk is cheap :D

This morning, i went to the repairman bag. My bag was damaged, so i wanted to fix it. Then yes, i waited my bag to be repaired and still thinking what should i do next. I was so desperate last night, i lost for words, my heart was really hurt, and i kept the pain for a long time. That was not easy. NOT EASY. 
I just wanna feel free, free for being myself, free of what what people comment about my self and my life. Anybody always anything to say. So, yeah.
After my bag being repaired...
Me : berapa Bu?
She: kersane pun pinten Mbak.
Me : biasanipun pinten Buk?
She: nggih kalih ewu mawon.
Me : *ngasih limaribuan* itu aja semua ndapapa Buk.
She: Wah, jangan Mbak, sebentar saya carikan kembaliannya dulu ya.
Me : Ndapapa Buk, ndapapa, kembaliannya bawa aja buat Ibu.
She: Wah maap Mbak, belum ada uang kecil hari ini.
Me : Iya, sudah ndapapa Bu. Rejeki Ibu.
She: Kalo gitu, tali yang satunya saya kencengin sekalian aja ya.

Got more! Feeling good by doing good, checked. Got more by doing good, checked. No, i didn't expect that bonus, i just looked for sobriety. The sentence: feeling good by doing good. 
It is how i treat people, not how they react about my treatment. That's totally their own rights, out of my control.

Desember 23, 2013


The end of the year is coming!
No, it's not a happy thing though.

It is like the finish line of a marathon, the time for us to move into another pavement. 
And start to walk again and again.
We declared such a revolution every year, and we forget what we would do in the middle of the year.
Not that surprising.
People forget.
Human being.

Hence, i remember the only one thing i whisper to God at the beginning of this year.
I whisper, God, lemme feel what  love is, once again. 
Since the last one left me behind years back, without any rational reasons, i was so numb.
I was so blind and i felt so heartless.

But it was so surprising also, that i found myself so happy and glad hearing the news that that my last one got married! I smiled and sincerely felt happy for them both, the bride and the groom. Love was in the air.
Then i was back to my routine, isolated myself in my own thoughts, being introvert and talked a little. Read so many books, and listen to the songs common people dislike (but well, i love that quirky songs, so what?). And so on.
Like a wallflower always do.

The year 2013 was so amazing for me.
So many things happened. 
I haven't forgot my own revolution.
It has happened, undirectly.
Tears, laughter, love and tragedies.
Life is never flat, it really is true.
My heart got bled, and Thank God, i still can stand stall. And smile. I never imagined my life would be like this. I knew, coincidence is nonsense. It is Your way, Your mysterious way, God.
So i keep my heart so tight and praise for You. In silence.
I restocked my faith in you, that in Your way, everything is possible.
Like, the awakening of feelings.
A kind heart with a soft smile entered my life. It was not an easy way for us, though.
Once again, love, tears, tragedies, griefs, and laughter taught me that life is such a beautiful thing to be grateful for. I thank God.

For the one i love and has been giving me a huge bunch of love, i really thank you for objectifying my revolution of this year. I do hope the best for us. Thank you for always cheering me up when i was breakdown for nothing or for a thing, or two, and always reminding me about gratitude. I love you, Honey.

For my family, for sharing me everything, for giving me best moments for my life. To be the center of life and love. You know, i am nothing without you. For my Mom and Dad, thank you for the prays and advices for my better future, thank you for being my parents, for taking care of me. And my brother, my partner in crime, thank you for being more than a bro. Brotherhood we are ( i know i am not a bro, but for my bro, apa sih yang nggak? :p).

For my friends, the besties, thank your for always listening me! Thank you, thank you and thank you. Thank you for showing me the better way and the great advices too. Guys, you rock!

It is not a year end speech, btw, i just spread what's on my mind. It is a therapy for me. People say, time's healing almost everything. But for me, writing's healing almost everything.
Including mad mood (YES, it is worse worse worse than bad mood), and indescribable blue feelings. 

This is the reflection of my 2013, what's yours? 

Juli 28, 2013


I woke up feeling vulnerable this morning. I needed dozens of happiness hormones, yet, i got my period by this morning. I felt like a baby, easy to cry.
So i read some articles on my fav web, psychologytoday, and tried to lift my mood up.
Yet, i was listening to Coldplay's (yes, masochist detected, blame on me), and my mood was even worse.

I had a chat with him. We both were busy finishing our work. He was with his Tempel, i was with Temon. But still, we thought we need to chat up XD
Besides, we (read: me), had a troubled mind last night, and wanted everything to be clear as soon as possible. The way we solved our problem: communication.

I was lying on my bed, then cross-legged in front of my Celine, doing stuffs, then lying down on the floor and got my cough even worse XD

I really  was insecure today. I felt vulnerable. I felt the tendencies around the corner. These late days, i thought. And this morning i told him all that i felt lately. Yeah i knew, it was hard to talk with troubled mind like mine. I was just ... having my mind out of my soul. What was that? I don't know. I felt i was bad, i couldn't do the best, i was not good, i was not smart, i was shallow. Don't let me shed my tears again. 

I think i need to be hugged. 
I feel everything will be okay when someone hugs me. I am searching on psychologytoday about a hug, and it comes to a conclusion that:

Hugging is a physical acknowledgment of the presence of another with the intention of expressing affection. Sometimes hugging is meant to also express reunion after separation and in that case it represents "affection beyond words."

Hugging is beyond the words. Can't agree more. When i feel like i can tell what's on my mind, i do hug him. A simple hug, and he seems like he suddenly understands what's on my mind. And he whispers "everything's gonna be okay". Am i that vulnerable? Yes.

So while hugging ostensibly increases oxytocin and trust by decreasing activation of the brains "fear" center, the "amygdala", I am curious about the effects of hugging when it is less artful or authentic. I suspect that the amygdala will be less content to recline in a proverbial hammock and more likely to stand on guard until some genuine emotion comes through
I often keep the problems inside my own head. I don't want to tell the world. Not because i am so strong that i can solve my problems all by myself. I just ... i'm a non-believer. Pardon my french, but if you have been on my shoes, you'll understand why, you'll understand how hard to be myself.
No, i'm not Scarlett O'Hara or Virginia Woolf, or Nawaal El-Shadawy. I'm not that complicated.

When i feel i have no ability to share my pain, my problems, i just need a hug. Somehow, it feels like i'm not alone while i am hugged. It feels like someone hugging me really want to cure my pain without knowing what's my problems are. Ironic. 

No hug is wasted and useless. Even, the teary hugs. Have i ever experienced that hug? Yes. Being hugged while my eyes can't stop producing tears and my nose can't stop producing ingus (ingus, Masha Allah! XD). He hugged and rubbed my back. I was too tired that time. Working from morning to night, having no significant time to take a rest, and having no proper sleep at late night. Yet, while i was taking a rest, my brain couldn't stop thinking of anything. How hard to be a Virgo, ya :)))

 After all, i wondered, is there anybody out there who doesn't like being hugged?
 Uhuk ... uhuk ... uhuk ...
 I guess, hug is the most intimacy of an interaction. But, telling my secrets, just telling, was the mostest intimacy of all. So, yeah. You know now? May i ask, don't you know me? Don't you know me by now?
I am vulnerable, hard to speak, yet i dislike to hurt others (because hate is a strong word and i rarely use it). 

But he is here, telling me he loves me just the way i am. What if i had split personality Dear? You said i have none but the real Inda Nur Handayani. 
I am relieved, and he shud know, i was trying (hard) to always tell him what's on my mind. No matter how hurt it can be. Because, yeah. You know why :)

Stay here and be my aspirin and xanax, dear you.
Happy Sunday, mortals :)

Juli 25, 2013

On The Night Like This

Do you know the story of a couple of socks? Well, let me tell you the whole story of last night, when the tasks of my job are extremely need to be done in 12 hours after Maghrib time.

Last night, office buddies and i, did overtime in office. Need to do the tasks for this morning, the report, Lapantara of RDTRK Perkotaan Temon, needs to be sent to Wates as soon as possible. So, yeah. Tsk. Haven't got my eyes closed from yesterday after sahur. YES, YESTERDAY AFTER SAHUR. It was about 27 hours.

Last night, the AC was on in its higher degree of celcius. Me was about ... damn, i'm freezed! I wore the two layers of clothes, and jeans. Besides, i covered myself with my medium thick brown coat (read: semi-jacket). I sat down straight far from the air condition.

I was typing on my Celine when he suddenly sat down next to me, and started to lay his head down. In seconds, i didn't give him much attention, just touched his arm and smiled. In minutes, i heard him snored. He was extremely tired after all. I knew that, so i let him sleep for a while. His snoring was a bit louder time by time, me was ... KYAAA XD XD XD

HAHAHA. But then he woke up and moved to a better corner and ... SLEPT AGAIN. And i continued my work.

At 12.30 p.m, i felt so tired. Besides, i had no many things to do but waiting for the revision of my head office. So, i decided to take a rest for a moment. I sat down near him, on a red chair, straight in front of the air condition. I was a bit dizzy. I tried to sleep but it was quite to do in the cold room and still had many things to think. I bend my body to avoid the coldness. I wore his jacket also. So, i covered myself with two layers of jackets. Still, i couldn;t sleep. I just lied my head down and vaguely heard of his snoring. I smiled and thought how cute his face was. His long hair, his chubby cheek, and his half-opened mouth. He looked like a baby :)

I fell asleep for a minutes. I woke him up, just to ask him to keep his head at the distance of the trash bin near his sleeping corner. But then he really woke up. I tighten my body, the room got colder. I saw the clock. It showed me 1.30 a.m. I sat down at that red chair for almost an hour. In my semi-conscious (y'know, it was really cold. Or it was just my body that wasn't so fit), i felt something warm in my naked feet. He covered my naked feet with sajadah. I opened my eyes and i really woke up.
"Cold?" he asked. I showed him my nod.
Then he handed me his shoes.
"It's big, can't suit to my feet," i replied.
"Not the shoes, but the socks. Covered your feet."
I wore his socks.

3.00 am. We went out for sahur. We rode motorcycles and i hitchhiked him. I touched his feet, his hands and ... OMG, they were so cold!
"Your socks..."
"No problem, stay wearing them," he said.
He kept the motorcycle going.

The sock. Who knows, that the socks can touch my heart? After all, i know it's his kind heart. But from a couple of socks? Dear God, thank you for sending him to me.
I really want to sing him a song. A song from Mocca, On The Night Like This.

On the night like this, there's so many things i wanna tell you
On the night like this, there's so many things i wanna show you
Cause when you're around, i feel safe and warm
Cause when you're around, i can fall in love everyday...

In the case like this
There are a thousand good reasons
I want you to stay...

I love you, Dear :)

Mei 01, 2013

Happy Engaged, My Friend!

I opened my whatsapp's contacts this morning, around 8 o'clock while the sun shone so bright. I found a picture, profile picture of my ex-boyfriend with his current beautiful girlfriend. Their fingers were lifted, shown a pair of rings encircled their ring-fingers. For any seconds, i was about to be silent. And then i smiled.

He was finally engaged.

My ex-bf i used to call my virgo has finally taken-up. No, i wasn't sad. If my eyes got teary, it must been a drip of happiness in my eyelid. I really was happy for him.  A thought flashily came and infiltrated my head and heart. I was relieved that the shadow that has been haunting me for years finally diminished. The shadow i called false hope. The hope that we, someday, could meet in a better moment finally evaporated.

For the first time after he left me behind, i laughed out loud.
That the thing i was scared of was only a shadow of one of my false hope. I couldn't avoid one thing, he was part of my life. Yeah, it was true. He once loved me. He doesn't.

Happy engaged, the dark knight rider!
Don't make your beloved fiancee get worried about your habit. Yeah, your habit of turning-off all of your gadgets and riding your motorcycle in maximum speed. I really wish that God will grant all of your wishes and hopes. Thank you for being a part of me. We always know, we both know that in the end, there must be an exit line. And you draw it first. I do after you.

Here, i been happy with my life. My current life. :)

Entwined hands like an almost prayer. - @ftkf (source by google)

April 30, 2013

Waiting For The Sun To Rise

Today, after getting a lovely good morning, i went upstairs to the third floor, the common place for me to share my thoughts to the universe. I had a mission, last three days before today, i have lost for sunrise moments. So, last night i have planned to catch the sun as usual.

I did await in the corner, near the roof tile of the second floor, and stared at the eastern sky. The sky looked so blue, grey and a bit overcast. There was also a few rays of orange lines. I looked for the source of the lines, the spot that accumulated the rays. I found a tiny spot, hid behind the clouds, and highly colored orange. Was it that?

Was it the sun?

I asked  none, why does the sun look so shy today?
Isn't it my first day after those three days i catch the sun back?
Why doesn't it show me its best off?

The kind of cut the shit girl, hell yeah, me.
I counted until 10, and didn't find the real sunrise. Okay, for me, sunrise is a moment when the dark sky slowly and vaguely becomes grey and blue, with the orange emissions and the cumulus, and the cold nuance.

But the sun gradually peek from behind the sky, slowly and looked so unsure.
I was about mesmerizing to see the shy sun, like it smiled at me and said, "hello, dear, good morning."
I fell in love again and again with the same beautiful thing.
I felt blessed.

The moment until my best youngster, Leily, suddenly came to my sacred place to... season her washed clothes.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"Waiting the sun to rise. You always know my daily custom, why should you ask me over and over again?"
"Because the sky looks so gloomy today. And you, here, waiting for the sun to shines like a diamond. This is weird, waiting to the sun to rise in the cloudy 6 o'clock morning."
"As weird as me." *smile*
"Okay, as weird as always. Okay sista, let's go downstairs!"

I smiled once again to the eastern sky and whispered to the wind:
"Thank you for this beautiful morning. I love you."

*inspired by the shy sun this morning


Have you ever seen a scar stick on your fairy skin after getting wounded? Or, have you ever seen a line of drying tears in your fine cheek? Even, the sketch of water that trapped in a cavity after the rain has ceased? 

Nothing remains. But abandonment.

If the visible things would leave a remnant, how about the deep intimate feelings? The invisible untouched things that easily infiltrate your heart, either your head. No, you're not shielded. Neither weapon can prevent your very precious happiness inside your body and soul.
It is like a washed shore, touched by the tidal wave. It is just human being.

Some say, go move on! But some say, move on is the new forgetting. Pardon me, how could you forget the scar if the scar does always exist? No, you can't. You really are helpless about yourself. Sasuke said, 'you are weak because you are lack of hatred'. Valid? Far from true.
I used to be weak. Or i guess i used to be weak. The abandonment that haunting me about the past really scares me off. It is like i continuously am mopping my scattered heart time by time, no limitation. No limitation means so much more scary than the current scariest thing. I hate it. I hate the word 'forever' since the 'goodbye' word did exist. Like when they're placed together in a row. You got a goodbye word from the one you love and you have to live alone forever. Forever alone. Forever a goodbye moment. Forever is sick.

But forever doesn't exist. Nothing lasts forever. But the abandonment.
Abandonment does last forever.

It is like when i am well asked by other do i love him/her, and i said yes, it means i should've loved his/her entire life. His/her entire life including his/her past. Not to be mentioned, actually. This is an unbreakable-rule. So, what remains?

The tears may cover your wounded heart, and this could be the perks of your upcoming hopes. but even the wound has been cured, the passive scar will come along, and stay as a reminder that you have had the reality in the past. I do think that brainchild. Pardon my shallowness, pardong my de-motivational words. This is just reality people avoid to believe.

Love can die. Love can stay. Anyhow, which one whichever occurs, will always form a remnant. Do face it, embrace it, live it. Remember you still have tomorrow, remember you still owe today. Make your current today become an unforgettable tomorrow, in bad or good way. Because there's no bad or good things. We can always change it. We can always use our different perspective. Love your life, because your life will be others' abandonment. You're special.

*this is not psychological article, this is just a dummy thought of mine

April 29, 2013

It's Supposed To Be Ours

I will write it like nobody will read it. It is like a space nobody can see, but you can feel. The words whisper your heart, through your redemption of your pledge. I will never ask you question. Not for the tears and laughter of ours. Maybe it is just me and my egoistic life idealism.

You can always leave. It means you can always come because the door is always open. You can always stand in between too, like fall silent in the border line of outter or inner. You can always do what you want to do. 

And i can always see how glued i can be.

Have you ever seen your own self? You don't have to ask me. Don't ask me question, and i shall tell you no lies. For the smiling mask i used to wear, i want my true skin to touch the wind now. It is merely like i want people to give me a bit attention. Call me an attention whore if you heartless. 

I am just helpless.

I can stand for the pain any longer time. I can easily give up to the things that have no certainty to happen. It is just me and all of my sides. I have no authorization to blame on others. That is why, why i tend to be asocial. Like a flake of the rain, she falls down alone, she melts and absorbed to the earth, alone. I can't be that mean. I am not anybody's meant to be. This is what i think.

They say i am into dramatic. Quickly go upstairs just to catch a sunrise, or silently await the sun to set at 6 o'clock on the third floor. I said it is a normal me. I said me is that different. I said maybe this was the normal of the world, and they who said and judged me are just abnormal. But i like it when people say, "gila kamu, Nda!
It was like those words are supposed to be a praise to me. Because i tend to like what people used to ignore. I like to see the water, the deeper of the waving surface of the water in a tub. I like how my hands can easily disturb and crush its calmness. I like how i can feel the different coolness level between water and air, and a slight skin that hang in between...

...and i can easily being pissed off too.

Is it a normal me? Sometimes i think i am a bipolar disorder person. But then i think it's okay, i still can count how the number of when i got angry to others. It was not that substantial. 

But the tear is uncountable. And i still think that it is the normal me. But i am still clueless about who i am. What i deserve, what i want, what i would have, how far i can go, how long i would live.

So, it is supposed to be my story, not ours. Look how suck my mind from being distracted and ego-centric! This is supposed to be ours. But it ends up with only me.
Are you okay?
Because... i am... no don't ask me.
I shall tell you no lies.

*inspired by @ftkf