April 30, 2013

Waiting For The Sun To Rise

Today, after getting a lovely good morning, i went upstairs to the third floor, the common place for me to share my thoughts to the universe. I had a mission, last three days before today, i have lost for sunrise moments. So, last night i have planned to catch the sun as usual.

I did await in the corner, near the roof tile of the second floor, and stared at the eastern sky. The sky looked so blue, grey and a bit overcast. There was also a few rays of orange lines. I looked for the source of the lines, the spot that accumulated the rays. I found a tiny spot, hid behind the clouds, and highly colored orange. Was it that?

Was it the sun?

I asked  none, why does the sun look so shy today?
Isn't it my first day after those three days i catch the sun back?
Why doesn't it show me its best off?

The kind of cut the shit girl, hell yeah, me.
I counted until 10, and didn't find the real sunrise. Okay, for me, sunrise is a moment when the dark sky slowly and vaguely becomes grey and blue, with the orange emissions and the cumulus, and the cold nuance.

But the sun gradually peek from behind the sky, slowly and looked so unsure.
I was about mesmerizing to see the shy sun, like it smiled at me and said, "hello, dear, good morning."
I fell in love again and again with the same beautiful thing.
I felt blessed.

The moment until my best youngster, Leily, suddenly came to my sacred place to... season her washed clothes.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"Waiting the sun to rise. You always know my daily custom, why should you ask me over and over again?"
"Because the sky looks so gloomy today. And you, here, waiting for the sun to shines like a diamond. This is weird, waiting to the sun to rise in the cloudy 6 o'clock morning."
"As weird as me." *smile*
"Okay, as weird as always. Okay sista, let's go downstairs!"

I smiled once again to the eastern sky and whispered to the wind:
"Thank you for this beautiful morning. I love you."

*inspired by the shy sun this morning


Have you ever seen a scar stick on your fairy skin after getting wounded? Or, have you ever seen a line of drying tears in your fine cheek? Even, the sketch of water that trapped in a cavity after the rain has ceased? 

Nothing remains. But abandonment.

If the visible things would leave a remnant, how about the deep intimate feelings? The invisible untouched things that easily infiltrate your heart, either your head. No, you're not shielded. Neither weapon can prevent your very precious happiness inside your body and soul.
It is like a washed shore, touched by the tidal wave. It is just human being.

Some say, go move on! But some say, move on is the new forgetting. Pardon me, how could you forget the scar if the scar does always exist? No, you can't. You really are helpless about yourself. Sasuke said, 'you are weak because you are lack of hatred'. Valid? Far from true.
I used to be weak. Or i guess i used to be weak. The abandonment that haunting me about the past really scares me off. It is like i continuously am mopping my scattered heart time by time, no limitation. No limitation means so much more scary than the current scariest thing. I hate it. I hate the word 'forever' since the 'goodbye' word did exist. Like when they're placed together in a row. You got a goodbye word from the one you love and you have to live alone forever. Forever alone. Forever a goodbye moment. Forever is sick.

But forever doesn't exist. Nothing lasts forever. But the abandonment.
Abandonment does last forever.

It is like when i am well asked by other do i love him/her, and i said yes, it means i should've loved his/her entire life. His/her entire life including his/her past. Not to be mentioned, actually. This is an unbreakable-rule. So, what remains?

The tears may cover your wounded heart, and this could be the perks of your upcoming hopes. but even the wound has been cured, the passive scar will come along, and stay as a reminder that you have had the reality in the past. I do think that brainchild. Pardon my shallowness, pardong my de-motivational words. This is just reality people avoid to believe.

Love can die. Love can stay. Anyhow, which one whichever occurs, will always form a remnant. Do face it, embrace it, live it. Remember you still have tomorrow, remember you still owe today. Make your current today become an unforgettable tomorrow, in bad or good way. Because there's no bad or good things. We can always change it. We can always use our different perspective. Love your life, because your life will be others' abandonment. You're special.

*this is not psychological article, this is just a dummy thought of mine

April 29, 2013

It's Supposed To Be Ours

I will write it like nobody will read it. It is like a space nobody can see, but you can feel. The words whisper your heart, through your redemption of your pledge. I will never ask you question. Not for the tears and laughter of ours. Maybe it is just me and my egoistic life idealism.

You can always leave. It means you can always come because the door is always open. You can always stand in between too, like fall silent in the border line of outter or inner. You can always do what you want to do. 

And i can always see how glued i can be.

Have you ever seen your own self? You don't have to ask me. Don't ask me question, and i shall tell you no lies. For the smiling mask i used to wear, i want my true skin to touch the wind now. It is merely like i want people to give me a bit attention. Call me an attention whore if you heartless. 

I am just helpless.

I can stand for the pain any longer time. I can easily give up to the things that have no certainty to happen. It is just me and all of my sides. I have no authorization to blame on others. That is why, why i tend to be asocial. Like a flake of the rain, she falls down alone, she melts and absorbed to the earth, alone. I can't be that mean. I am not anybody's meant to be. This is what i think.

They say i am into dramatic. Quickly go upstairs just to catch a sunrise, or silently await the sun to set at 6 o'clock on the third floor. I said it is a normal me. I said me is that different. I said maybe this was the normal of the world, and they who said and judged me are just abnormal. But i like it when people say, "gila kamu, Nda!
It was like those words are supposed to be a praise to me. Because i tend to like what people used to ignore. I like to see the water, the deeper of the waving surface of the water in a tub. I like how my hands can easily disturb and crush its calmness. I like how i can feel the different coolness level between water and air, and a slight skin that hang in between...

...and i can easily being pissed off too.

Is it a normal me? Sometimes i think i am a bipolar disorder person. But then i think it's okay, i still can count how the number of when i got angry to others. It was not that substantial. 

But the tear is uncountable. And i still think that it is the normal me. But i am still clueless about who i am. What i deserve, what i want, what i would have, how far i can go, how long i would live.

So, it is supposed to be my story, not ours. Look how suck my mind from being distracted and ego-centric! This is supposed to be ours. But it ends up with only me.
Are you okay?
Because... i am... no don't ask me.
I shall tell you no lies.

*inspired by @ftkf