Januari 20, 2015

Neither Today Nor Tomorrow

Do you remember the day after the short message you sent me 3 days ago? Your message said that you want to leave, to be just friend with me. I vaguely replied "yes" along with bloody tearing eyes. We couldn't just broke up after the times we shared together only by message. I need to be sure.
I need you to make sure that you would leave me properly.

Because i welcomed you properly.

Three days after the sorrowful day, i did sleepover to my friend's house. I told her what i felt, still with tearing eyes. I felt like i couldn't hold the pain any longer. I loved him. I loved him, i told her. She flattered my arms and said, "everything's gonna be okay. You just need some scoops of ice cream and chocolate bars."
"I need him," i replied.
"You think you need him."

I fell silent and was glued in front of the television, watched bleary-eyed to the LCD and the memories suddenly crushed everything. The laughter, the loves, the longings. I couldn't take them anymore. I immersed my face into my bent feet, and i felt the warmth. i couldn't leave him, i couldn't let him go.
"You okay?" my friend asked me. I glance at her and immersed my head back. I sobbed and my body shivered.

I hear the ringtones of my phone, the certainty tones. I knew that tones! The tones for him. His tones!
I quickly pressed the answer button, and said slowly, "hallo..."
"Hai..." he replied. I was disappointed at that time and i couldn't think.
"You okay?" he asked me. I hate it when people ask me if i am okay or not while they know i am not.
"You know i am not," i answered.
"I am sorry for the text, i should haven't done that to you."
"You know i am lost for words." damn my education! I couldn't find a word to say, i picked part of Oasis's lyric to depicted my situation here.
"I still love you..." i do, i do love you too! Still! But then why... i really wanted to ask you that why question. But my throat seemed to choke.
All he could hear next was my sobs. He clammed up, i did either.
"This love will hurt you more. I can't let you get hurt more than this," he continued.
"But..." but i liked this way! I liked to be with you, now or tomorrow.
"But the more i'm with you, the more i'll hurt you," he convinced me.
"Either now, or later," he continued.
"Or neither today nor tomorrow?" i asked.
Moment of silence. We both were silent.
"This is the right time to say goodbye," he said.
"So, this is the end?"
"I know, it's hard for you. But you are really welcome to me, and that makes me nobody but the dust who can't find a proper exit-line. I am sorry."
"There's no such thing like proper exit-line."
"I wish you all the best. Goodbye, Sweetheat."
I fell silent on the kitchen floor. I was dead.


Jogja, January 21st 2015.
--just completing the draft, and posting it.



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