Juli 28, 2013


I woke up feeling vulnerable this morning. I needed dozens of happiness hormones, yet, i got my period by this morning. I felt like a baby, easy to cry.
So i read some articles on my fav web, psychologytoday, and tried to lift my mood up.
Yet, i was listening to Coldplay's (yes, masochist detected, blame on me), and my mood was even worse.

I had a chat with him. We both were busy finishing our work. He was with his Tempel, i was with Temon. But still, we thought we need to chat up XD
Besides, we (read: me), had a troubled mind last night, and wanted everything to be clear as soon as possible. The way we solved our problem: communication.

I was lying on my bed, then cross-legged in front of my Celine, doing stuffs, then lying down on the floor and got my cough even worse XD

I really  was insecure today. I felt vulnerable. I felt the tendencies around the corner. These late days, i thought. And this morning i told him all that i felt lately. Yeah i knew, it was hard to talk with troubled mind like mine. I was just ... having my mind out of my soul. What was that? I don't know. I felt i was bad, i couldn't do the best, i was not good, i was not smart, i was shallow. Don't let me shed my tears again. 

I think i need to be hugged. 
I feel everything will be okay when someone hugs me. I am searching on psychologytoday about a hug, and it comes to a conclusion that:

Hugging is a physical acknowledgment of the presence of another with the intention of expressing affection. Sometimes hugging is meant to also express reunion after separation and in that case it represents "affection beyond words."

Hugging is beyond the words. Can't agree more. When i feel like i can tell what's on my mind, i do hug him. A simple hug, and he seems like he suddenly understands what's on my mind. And he whispers "everything's gonna be okay". Am i that vulnerable? Yes.

So while hugging ostensibly increases oxytocin and trust by decreasing activation of the brains "fear" center, the "amygdala", I am curious about the effects of hugging when it is less artful or authentic. I suspect that the amygdala will be less content to recline in a proverbial hammock and more likely to stand on guard until some genuine emotion comes through
I often keep the problems inside my own head. I don't want to tell the world. Not because i am so strong that i can solve my problems all by myself. I just ... i'm a non-believer. Pardon my french, but if you have been on my shoes, you'll understand why, you'll understand how hard to be myself.
No, i'm not Scarlett O'Hara or Virginia Woolf, or Nawaal El-Shadawy. I'm not that complicated.

When i feel i have no ability to share my pain, my problems, i just need a hug. Somehow, it feels like i'm not alone while i am hugged. It feels like someone hugging me really want to cure my pain without knowing what's my problems are. Ironic. 

No hug is wasted and useless. Even, the teary hugs. Have i ever experienced that hug? Yes. Being hugged while my eyes can't stop producing tears and my nose can't stop producing ingus (ingus, Masha Allah! XD). He hugged and rubbed my back. I was too tired that time. Working from morning to night, having no significant time to take a rest, and having no proper sleep at late night. Yet, while i was taking a rest, my brain couldn't stop thinking of anything. How hard to be a Virgo, ya :)))

 After all, i wondered, is there anybody out there who doesn't like being hugged?
 Uhuk ... uhuk ... uhuk ...
 I guess, hug is the most intimacy of an interaction. But, telling my secrets, just telling, was the mostest intimacy of all. So, yeah. You know now? May i ask, don't you know me? Don't you know me by now?
I am vulnerable, hard to speak, yet i dislike to hurt others (because hate is a strong word and i rarely use it). 

But he is here, telling me he loves me just the way i am. What if i had split personality Dear? You said i have none but the real Inda Nur Handayani. 
I am relieved, and he shud know, i was trying (hard) to always tell him what's on my mind. No matter how hurt it can be. Because, yeah. You know why :)

Stay here and be my aspirin and xanax, dear you.
Happy Sunday, mortals :)

Tidak ada komentar:

Posting Komentar